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Recently, one of my friends wrote a script. This is not about that awesome script that I hope he sells. We also started to discuss how Lucas frakked up Episodes 1-3. He frakked them up royally. We also discussed what we would do if we were rewriting Star Wars. His idea was unique, original, and definitely better than Lucas’ abortion he presented us. This is my idea.

Now. I am not sharing my friend’s idea since I want to keep it as his intellectual property. As it is LW policy to let their writers own their articles, I will be presenting my idea. I am calling on all of my knowledge of Star Wars canon to present accurate stories based entirely on established movie and Extended Universe canon.

The main reason that the movies sucked more dick than the Apple Cultists did to Steve Jobs at the iMaxiPad reveal is because they failed to properly represent the Sith. Up to Episode I, the Sith had been mostly dealt with in EU canon. Lucas approved EU canon. Lucas took to Sith canon like (choose your description) A: a rusty chainsaw to your favorite cat and serving you the remains, or B: Jeffery Dahmer using a sandpaper condom, assuming he would use one. A brief, sorta pre-Episode I, history of the Sith is as follows:

In the Golden Age of the Sith arc, they were a shadow army, controlling many star systems until they were accidentally found by some scouts. They didn’t even care about the rest of the galaxy before then. They used the scouts to make it seem like the Sith were not really there, even using some Sith powers, until the Jedi were like: Dude. We sense evil on you. WTF? Then the Sith were all like: Ha ha! We used the scouts to slip our fleets over proto-Corescant and then nearly crushed the recently founded Republic before the Jedi broke the illusions/tricks. They then went back to lick their wounds for 2k years. At that time, they corrupted powerful leaders and got companies and planets to break away from the Republic. While the Jedi were out successfully getting those planets back and eliminating the Sith. (Yes, they ‘eliminated’ the Sith.) A few Force sensitive people found Sith teachings, arose an army, corrupted a ton of Jedi and attacked again. They wiped out many systems and planets and even ruined the Jedi ‘homeworld,’ causing it to be lost until Dark Empire II 3-4k years later. They never were this shadowy group that manipulated their way to power. Even in Dark Forces II, they were overtly militaristic and overtly Sith. They were pure evil and used illusions and magic to raise armies. What made them powerful was that, sure Force sensitive people were stronger Sith, but their power was in magic that anyone could learn if they put in the time.

With the canon as I knew it in place, I will be presenting how the movies should have been done.

Episode 1: The Phantom Menace

Phantom Menace should have been Sith corrupting a planet, pulling the Jedi, lots or few, out to deal with it, then having the Jedi beat back the Sith only to lose Qui-Gon or whomever else was important and end with Padawan or initiate Anakin picking up the Sith’s lightsaber or something else to show he is going evil. A Sith Holocron would be a nice find too. That way, his training as a Sith can begin. The movie could also feature Anakin hooking up with one of the fellow female Jedi. At least, the start of their relationship can be shown. It was only after Episode II that pre-New Hope Jedi couldn’t marry. The plot wouldn’t have to be anything harder than Jedi leading a Republic army to beat back a Sith invasion. It would have a good amount of action and help establish the characters and their relationships. A simple loss of a close friend and the Sith holocron would be enough to set up Anakin/Vader for the next movie.

Episode 2: Attack of the Clones

Attack of the Clones should have been the Sith or even non-Sith separatists, ala Warlord Zniji or the Yeveethan, laying waste with their clone army. Total down note movie. I would have set it at the end of the Clone Wars. While on a mission, Anakin saves Senator/General Palpatine of Balmorra or Kuat or one of the major Empire planets with massive productive, thus political, importance and takes him back to the Republic. I recommend Kuat since the would guarantee fleet loyalty, namely Star Destroyers. Palpatine starts learning of the Sith powers from Anakin. The war is at a stand still until Anakin uses his Sith powers to turn the tide of of the war. Palpatine on the other hand uses his political and fleet connections to elevate himself and Anakin to becoming war heros. I would make mention of the Outbound Flight Project, Jorus Kaboth and Thrawn towards the end of the movie (in line with EU canon). You wouldn’t need the word Sith in the movie except for Anakin’s powers and a bit with Palpatine. They could even start having technology sides be drawn up for the coming movies. Corellian vessels being outgunned by glory-stealing Star Destroyers. Proto-TIEs making proto-Y-wings look bad. (Proto-X-Wings and even Z-95 Headhunters would even appear until Episode III.) This would also be the movie where I would introduce Luke and Leia. I’d have them be newborns and only known by Anakin’s wife and Obi-wan before the wife is killed by clone armies or non-human terrorists. This would establish the anti-non-human policies of the Empire and allow Anakin to unleash some Sith which would cause Obi-wan to hide the kids. I would also possibly have some sort of final battle between Obi-wan and Vader occur. Nothing like in Episode III. It would still result in Anakin becoming Vader. It could have a scene from the Tales of the Jedi comic where Exar Kun and Master Odan Urr fought on the floor of the senate (first introduction of duel-bladed lightsabers in that battle btw) with Obi-wan accusing the Republic’s greatest heroes of being Sith or for masterminding the destruction of the Outbound Flight Project. Obi-wan would defeat Anakin, but the Emperor could enfeeble Obi-wan do he would have to go into exile as well. That would also open up making the Jedi into enemies in the eyes of the Republic thus setting up…

Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith

Revenge of the Sith would have been Palpatine issuing an edict to prosecute non-loyal Jedi for turning against the Republic. The establishment of the Empire would happen early on. Palpatine would have Anakin head up the task force to find and capture disloyal Jedi, and he slowly start replacing all of the key government positions with humans. The persecution of the non-humans would cause a purge of non-humans from the senate with Palpatine planting loyal senators and governors on non-human planets, thus forming the Empire. The last of the Jedi would try striking back for equal rights and gather for one last attack on Coruscant. Anakin and his loyal ‘Jedi,’ who he was training to be Sith (also keeping with EU canon), would confront and repel the Jedi pursuing Palpatine. Keeping with EU canon, Anakin, now Vader, would hunt and kill of the Jedi with his Sith. No matter how things played out, the demise of most of the Jedi and homogenizing of the Empire/Senate, and the subjugation of most non-humans would have to occur and would be within all previously established canon. I would definitely set up as much of the Extended Universe as possible. Thrawn, Palleon, Daala, Issard, bel Iblis, Karde, Jade, young Solo, young Fett, young Lando, Bail Organa, Mon Mothma, Yeevetha, the Nohgri, Hapes, Xizor, young Corran Horn, and as many others as I possibly can would get at least a mention. I would also want scenes of young Luke and Leia at various points. Maybe having Leia learning politics from her parents. Luke would definitely want to be an Empire pilot, keeping with canon. The ending would be young Luke and young Biggs Darklighter playing as Imperial pilots and talking about joining the Imperial Academy, exactly what they were discussing in the deleted scene from New Hope. It would be a great way to mesh the prequels to the originals.

The way these movies would be done better mesh with the world around Star Wars and the original movies better. Lucas barely did a service to his old movies and totally flipped off the EU. The prequels as they stand are a big ‘FRAK YOU!’ to fans. Done this way, while it is not perfect, at least takes fan expectations, blends the EU into main canon, and gets rid of all of the frak that Lucas aborted all over the original movies, the EU and the fans. Star Wars needs its Ronald Moore. I hope a new generation of film makers can fix Lucas’ mistakes. If all else fails, remember: you can always find a new master.

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